The Writer Leaves . . . Again

The Writer has been gone a whole week to teach at Hollins University and she'll be there another five weeks. It's such a long time. I miss her. Don't you?

Miss who? It's wonderful without The Writer. I can to do what I please, like sleep all day without her bugging me.

Don't give me that. You love it when The Writer brushes you--she says it's like currying a horse because you're so big, but you purr and "make biscuits" in the air. And you'll miss nosing into her sitting room every evening for "cookie."

She doesn't always give me a piece of cookie. Sometimes it's cake or a donut or pie. I don't like chocolate very much but I eat it to be polite. Okay, I kind of do miss Evening Cookie and the brushing. But that's all.

And you like to hop in bed first thing in the morning so you can wipe your big nose all over The Writer's face.

Well . . . yeah.

And who else throws Mousie or a balled up piece of paper for you to catch?

Actually, that's a lot of work. I only do it so The Writer gets some exercise. Otherwise, she'd be a big ol' blob.

You do miss her, admit it.

Maybe a little tiny bit.

Winchester Settles Out of Court

Well, here we are in the hallowed halls of the District Court where I'm suing The Writer for throwing me in the clink.

Looks a lot like our hallway. Are you nervous?

I have my power green tie and my glasses that make me look like Catticus Finch and my briefcase. Why should I be nervous?

Power ties are red and not a St. Patrick's Day gag tie. And your briefcase is really a vintage Elizabeth Arden make-up case.

Never mind the details. Where is The Writer? And what's this paper the bailiff handed me?

It's a summons. The Writer is going to change your name if you don't drop your case against her.

Change my name? To what?

The innkeeper at the Hope and Glory Inn where The Writer, her huband, and I vacationed, is Dudley. The Writer thinks Dudley suits you better than Winchester. You act like a Dudley.

This is monstrous! I am not a Dudley!

I think she's right. Dudley does suit you.

I'm leaving this kangaroo court right now! I should have known the wheels of justice wouldn't turn in my favor!

See you later . . . Dudley.

Winchester Prepares His Case Against The Writer

We go to court tomorrow so we need to whip this case into shape.

Tomorrow is Saturday. Nobody has court on Saturday.

Hmm. Maybe I read the summons wrong. Anyway we need to work hard to prosecute The Writer for throwing me in the slammer. I'm representing myself, of course.

A cat who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.

Very funny. Go look up "equitable subrogation."

Why?

Because you're my paralegal. You're assisting me with my case. While you're at it, look up Morris vs. 9-Lives.

That doesn't have anything to do with your lawsuit.

I know. I just want to see how Morris got all that free cat food. Now snap to it.

I'm just another overworked, underpaid, under-appreciated paralegal.

And call me "counselor."

Winchester Sues The Writer

What's that paper you've got?

A summons to appear in court. I'm suing The Writer.

For what?

Mental cruelty. Involuntary lock-up. Catnapping.

Oh, for heaven's sake. You've were boarded three and a half days and that was two weeks ago. Why can't you sulk like other cats and then get over it?

It's a matter of principle. I know my rights. I hope the judge throws the book at The Writer.

"Throws the book." Ha-ha! Very funny!

At the very least I should get a nice chunk of change from this lawsuit. That should pay for the hours of emotional anguish.

You've been watching too many re-runs of Law and Order. And isn't a sheriff's deputy supposed to issue a summons?

They were all busy. I might sue you too since you went with her on that little vacation.

Your case is full of holes, Winchester. The judge will toss it out.

See you in court!

Winchester Wants to Stay in Jail

Well, I'm back. I had a wonderful time at the Hope and Glory Inn.

I'm glad one of us did.

Don't sound so bitter. It wasn't that bad.

It was horrible! The guards threw slop at us and guard dogs barked day and night. I couldn't sleep a wink. I tried to break out, but I got caught.

That's not what I heard. When The Writer came to pick you up from the vet's, you ran back in your kitty condo. She and the technician tried to put you in the carrier, but you clawed your way up the whole stack of condos. I heard you looked like King Kong climbing the Empire State Building. They had to call in a third person to pull you off and stuff you in the carrier.

That's right. I'd rather stay in jail than be pushed in that vile box. Who knows where The Writer would haul me off to next?

She brought you home. You sulked for five minutes, then begged for food, like always.

Might as well give her a chance to get back in my good graces.

Winchester Busts Out of the Joint

Stay close to the floor, cat. Nobody will see us. We're out the door! Good job! Now, over the wall . . . look sharp! Oh, no! There's the spotlight! We're caught! The sirens are deafening! Here come the guards! We'll be sent up the river to the Big House!

[Our last morning at the Hope and Glory Inn. The Writer is lingering in the gardens, taking pictures. She doesn't want to leave. I don't blame her. I'll miss relaxing in this nice big chair. I hardly ever have any furniture to myself--Winchester tends to hog every seat. Oh, well. All good things must come to an end.]

This is it! The ennnnd!!!!

Day 3 in the Clink

Okay, here's what's going down: me and this cat in solitary want to make a break for it. Before the guards have their second cup of coffee, One-eyed Jake will loosen the latches on our cells. Then me and the other cat will lay in wait.

Every day at noon the Kibble Guy makes a delivery. Jake will create a diversion when he comes in the lobby. Me and the other cat will scram out the door and hide in the bushes. Somehow I will make my way home.

Or not. I may go live someplace else and find another best friend!

[Today I took a bike ride. It was so much fun! And then I sat outside in the garden. Isn't this garden sculpture neat? It's made out of moss and natural stuff packed inside a wire frame. I'm really starting to like this place. Maybe I'll just stay here.]